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PC Technician brings you some silly jokes
Bad, Bad, Bad Jokes - but sometimes dementia rules
(note: double click on any word to get instant definition)
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Two mushrooms walk into a bar and order two beers.
The bartender complies.
After a few rounds of beers - the mushrooms start to
get a bit rowdy.
"okay - thats's it - no more beer for you two" quips
the bartender.
One of the mushrooms responds
"Well, maybe my friend should be cut off - but not me"
The bartender asks "why is that".
The mushroom responds "Yeah my friend is a bit rowdy
but I am just a fun guy"
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A granite rock walks into Whiskey Pete's bar and says to the bartender
"I'd like a scotch on the rocks"
"Ha Ha" - answers the bartender "I'll bet you think you are
pretty funny - so just for that I am not going to serve you -
and besides you'll probably just get stoned anyway."
"Ho Ho" answers the rock - "your pun has cheered me up and as
I was suffering from the megrims - I now don't need the drink"
"Rock on" - answers the bartender
And all was well at Whiskey Pete's
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
W.C. Fields walks into a bar and orders
a beer
The bartender complies and serves W.C.
After a few drinks W.C. starts to tell some
story about returning a glass eye during a
pool game in the Himalayas.
"That's it no more drinks for you" says the bartender
"Why not" asks W.C.
"Because" answers the bartender
"I don't serve drinks to people who bloviate"
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A grasshopper walks ---er ----- hops into a local bar
and says to the bartender
"I'd like a grasshopper - please"
To which the bartender responds
"I'll bet you think you are pretty cute - ordering a
drink named after you -- well anyway I am not
going to serve you"
"Why not? " asks the grasshopper
"Because" answers the bartender
"remembering the tale of the ant and the grasshopper
you are nothing but a flaneur"
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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"I'd like a Depth Bomb"
To which the bartender says
"I don't know how to make a Depth Bomb"
The customer insists that the bartender serve him the drink
The bartender keeps telling the customer that he cannot make this drink
This banter goes on for about 15 minutes
and finally the bartender says
"That's it - get out of my bar - I am not going to serve you"
"Why not" asks the customer
"Because" answers the bartender
"I have the right to refuse anyone who is so pervicacious "
----------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into Whiskey Pete's Saloon
and says to the bartender
"I'll have a beer my good man and I would like
to say that this establishment appears to be a Cockaigne
for the beer drinking connoisseur"
To which the bartender replies
"Get out you bum!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar who is somewhat poorly dressed
and says to the bartender
"I'd like a beer - please"
To which the bartender says
"Sorry, I cannot serve you"
"Why not" asks the poor man
"Because" answers the bartender
"I don't serve tatterdemalions in this bar but if you still want a beer
you can go down the block to Whiskey Pete's"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"I'd like a beer, please"
The bartender says "OK"
Then the customer says
"Wait - I'd like to change my order - I'd like a martini"
To which the bartender says
"OK"
Again, the customer says
"Wait - I'd like to change that back to a beer"
Again the bartender says
"OK"
The customer then says
"No - I'd like a martini"
The bartender then says
"Well which is it - a beer or a martini?"
The customer then ponders
"Beer or martini, beer or martini, beer or martini........."
To which the bartender says
"Okay - that's it - I am not going to serve you"
"Why not?" asks the customer
"Because" answers the bartender
"I don't serve people who suffer from abulia"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender says,
"What'll it be?"
Skeleton says, "a beer and a mop."
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Bear On The Roof:
A man in rural Wisconsin wakes up one morning
to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says
he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat,
a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bulldog.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there,
and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof,
the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles,
and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me
to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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A cork walks ......errrrr .......... pops into the nearest tavern
and says to the bartender
I'd like a glass of beer - please"
To which the bartender complies
The cork then dives into the beer and floats around in the beer
The bartender asks
"What are you doing?"
To which the cork replies
"I am soaking in the beer"
An angry bartender then says
"That's it - I am not going to serve you"
"Why not?" asks the cork
"Because" answers the bartender
"I don't serve cork soakers in my bar"
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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"I'd like a beer - please"
To which the bartender complies
After several beers the customer starts to annoy
the bartender.
Finally, the bartender says to the customer
"No more drinks for you"
"Why not?" responds the customer.
"Because" says the bartender
"You are starting to annoy me and in fact,
I want you to exit this place with great celerity"
"Celery?" questions the customer.
"No you damn fool - celerity" answers the bartender
So the customer throws a celery stalk at the bartender
and does indeed exit with great celerity.
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Frodo walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"I'd like a beer please"
To which the bartender says
"how old are you?"
"old enough" answers Frodo
The bartender responds
"Not good enough - now leave"
To which Frodo responds
"I'm not going to leave until you give me a beer"
The bartender responds
"you had better leave"
And this goes on and on until the bartender
finally responds
"You better leave as you're a hard hobbit to break
but I'll break ya"
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer
The bartender responds and gives the man a beer
The bartender notices that the man is wearing something large and shiny
and asks the man
"What is that gimcrack you are wearing"
To which the man answers
"That's no gimcrack that's a gewgaw"
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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"I need a beer"
To which the bartender says
"Is it a sine qua non ? "
To which the customer says
"No just a Hein-a-Kin"
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A man walked into a Tavern and sat next to a good looking, smartly dressed
woman perched on a bar stool.
"Hi there good looking, how's it going?" he asked.
The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I'll screw
anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've
been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!"
"No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
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While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were discussing
life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens,
just pull the plug." She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Some days I hate being married to a smartass.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tequila test
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's
filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of
dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the
jar?"
Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.." The
man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" Pay
first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the
$10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK,"
the bartender says. Here's what you need to do: First , You have to drink
that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you
can't make a face while doing it. Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out
back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm
during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is
stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do
it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do
those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time
goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
"Wherez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with
a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the
people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They
hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then
silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the
bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
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A neutron walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"I'd like a beer"
The bartender pours the beer and gives it to the neutron
The neutron then says
"How much is that?"
To which the bartender says
"For you my friend - no charge"
--------------------------------------------------
Tonto and a Higgs Boson walk into a bar and Tonto
says to the bartender
"We'd like two beers, please"
To which the bartender says
"Okay - but tell me something - is he the masked man?"
"No" says Tonto
"He's the mass man"
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A young woman walks into a bar
and says to the bartender
"Hi Cutie about a beer?"
To which the bartender responds
"Well you seem like a happy young lady - so what's your name?"
"Dolores" responds the young lady
"Hmmmm" says the bartender "you certainly don't appear to be dolorous - in fact you seem to
be rather happy"
"So again - what's your name" asks the bartender
"Dolores" answers the young lady
To which the bartender responds
"All right - stop telling me you're dolorous and just answer my question"
"I did" says the lady
"I am Dolores"
To which the bartender responds "Again - I can't see that you're dolorous - you appear very upbeat and happy"
"But" says the lady " I am upbeat but I am dolores"
To which the bartender responds "No you can't be upbeat and dolorous at the same time - it's like
having the lines of can and cannot cross on the graph - impossible"
To which the young lady answers "How did you know my last name - Possible - in fact my full name
is Dolores Kim Possible"
The bartender then says " I said Impossible not Kim Possible"
The young lady responds " Is this conversation going anywhere? - do I get my beer"
"Not Possible" answers the bartender
"I told you it's Kim Possible - Not Not Possible" retorts the lady
To which the bartender repsonds "???????????????????????????????????????????????????????"
AND ALL IS WELL IN MUDVILLE TONIGHT!
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A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the
new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs.
The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as
he could, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and
tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest
drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly
silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to
drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood
still, shaking his head in amazement.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing,
cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!"
But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.
By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his
drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy
stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right
through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him,
killing him instantly.
The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked
up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, "That boy should have
quit while he was a head."
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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"beer"
To which the bartender says
"First of all - why are you so terse?"
"Terse?" says the man
"Yeah - terse - why are you so terse" answers the bartender
To which the man says
"because"
So the bartender says
"Well, certainly nobody will ever accuse you of
sesquipedality"
To which the man answers
"No, I don't have to pee and my name is not Sesquis"
The bartender then says
"Well, I will not use a sesquipedalian word - but try this - OUT!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two photons walk into a bar
and ask the bartender
"May we have two beers - please"
To which the bartender says
"I'll give you the beers, as long as you don't interfere with my customers"
The photons respond
"Unless that odd excrescence sticking out of your head is a diffraction grating
we would hardly think of interfering with your customers"
The bartender answers,
"And of course - I expect you won't polarize my patrons - either"
To which the photons responded angrily
"Geez, who do you think we are - gamma rays?"
So in a huff - the photons spilt the scene - and scattered - leaving the bar looking like a Moivre pattern.
The bartender chagrined -
"I hate wise ass photons - but I do like their cousins - the photinos and the gauginos and maybe the gluinos"
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A pair of otters walk into a bar and say
"hey bartender we would like two beers"
To which the bartender responds
"okay, two beers for you"
The otters continue to have a few more beers
but then began to get a bit loud.
The bartender says to the otters
"Okay, that's it - no more beers for you two"
"Why not?" respond the otters
The bartender then says
"Because, you two are getting too rowdy
and I'm afraid you will cause otter chaos"
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Subject: Dear [Blank]...
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood
pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a *****.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there
because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words.
You piece of shut. Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant
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Subject: A Nun's nightmare
A Nun Grading Papers.....
Can you imagine the Nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while
trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!?
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.
THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.
THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK.
NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT
CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE
OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE
OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN , THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU.
HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY
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- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It!
2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
5 - Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care.
6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.
7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't
even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that
allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
10 - Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough
to build up the required pressure.
11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do
you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..It's called a Wedding Cake.
13 - Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Subj: What My Mother Taught Me ....
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!
But, there is one missing from this list ~~ My personal all time favorite!
My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Paraprosdokians:
Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or
phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still
think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
--------------------------------------------------------------
THOUGHTS TO PONDER
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when
you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
--------------------------------------------------------------
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE
PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK
TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
--------------------------------------------------------------
5 Rules to Remember in Life!
1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A football and a basketball wander into Whiskey Pete's saloon
and the football orders two beers.
The bartender complies and gives them two beers.
After several hours - and quite a few beers later
the bartender finally says to the football -
"At first I didn't know what to make of your constant
chatter - I thought maybe you were drunk when you
first came in"
"No" replied the basketball - " he's just a flibbertigibbet."
"Well" answers the bartender. " I just thought he was an oblate spheroid"
The basketball then says " Sir, are you just a ninnyhammer?"
"Oh" replies the bartender - "Did you find my hammer?"
"What?" said the basketball - and threw the football at the
bartender - "Does that answer your question?"
Then the bouncer - threw errr....... bounced both of them out the
door - and all was quiet again at Whiskey Pete's.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Light laughs and Basic Life Truths!!!
Teachers & Cops:
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in
the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off
actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet
that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything
I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll
give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on
rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to
write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.
So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Paraprosdokians
Winston Churchill loved them! They are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or
phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.
1, Where's there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filing out an application, where it says "In case of emergency, notify ______," I put "DOCTOR."
13. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to sky dive; you only need a parachute to sky dive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and then call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian; any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
COMPARATIVE PHILOSOPHY OF SHIT
Taoism shit happens
Confucianism Confucius say, "shit happens"
Buddhism shit happening is an illusion
Zen what is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism this shit has happened before
Catholicism if shit happens you deserve it
Judaism why does shit always happen to us?
Calvinism shit happens because you don't work hard enough
Protestantism let shit happen to some else
Christian Science if shit happens, pray and it will go away
Agnosticism if shit happens, there may or may not be a reason
Atheism shit happens for no reason
Hare Krishna shit happens, shit happens, happens, happens, shit, shit
Jehovah's Witnesses let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens
Evangelist send me money or shit will happen
New Age it is not shit and it is not happening
Baha'i shit is one
Paganism the gods are shit
Existentialism so, shit happens
Humanists we shit, therefore we are
Stoicism shit happens; I can take it
Cynics we doubt shit
Cannibalism eat shit
Free masonry we know shit, you don't
Capitalism shit has a price
Socialism equal shit for everybody
Marxism we have nothing to lose but our shit
Heisenberg shit may happen and it may not
NAACP it is terrible to waste shit
N.O.W. men are shit
Rastafarianism let's smoke this shit and see what happens
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Encounter between a capacitor and an inductor
One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided
to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to
pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self
induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two
took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into
a magnetic field, next to a flowing current, to watch the sine waves.
Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve.
Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set
her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance,
and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel,
he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm,
give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated
from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum
heat. Now with the excessive current shorting her shunt, Micro's capacity
rapidly discharged - every electron was drained off. But that was not the
end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and
hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate
enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully
discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home.
A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
KIDS IN CHURCH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name..
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan, you be Jesus!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' The son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th Graders, accompanied by two Female Teachers,
went on a Field Trip to the Local Racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about
Thoroughbred Horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the Children to the Bathroom, it was decided that the
Girls would go with one Teacher and the Boys would go with the other. The
Teacher assigned to the Boys was waiting outside the Men's Room when one of the Boys
came out and told her that none of them could reach the Urinal.
Having no choice, She went inside, helped the Boys with their pants, and began hoisting
the Little Boys up one by one, holding on to their "Wee-Wees" to direct the flow away
from their clothes.
As She lifted one, She couldn't help but notice that he was unusually Well Endowed.
Trying not to show that She was staring the Teacher said, "You must be in the 5th Grade."
"No, Ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the
Seventh Race, but I appreciate your help."
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Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass
and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think,
"It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry
about my liver."
Babe Ruth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as
good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning
~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep,
we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and
go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant
you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza."
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher
~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory"to his buddy Norm:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the
slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at
the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the
brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after
a few beers.
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FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a
Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you
when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
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