Lawyers - you gotta love 'em

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.

Q: What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer?
A: You can make a pet out of the snake.

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in his partner.

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

Q: What is the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life-support system.

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
A: Both have hearts like stones.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, 
   they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What's the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. 

Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
A: Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don't get as attached to them.
   One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street together 
   when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: The vulture eventually lets go.

Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher. 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion. 

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement. 
 
-------  And a final thought -------------------------------

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, 
would you go to lunch or read the paper?