Medical definitions


1.  Artery - the study of fine paintings.

2.  Barium - what you do when the patient dies.

3.  Benign - what you are after you be eight.

4.  Cauterize - made eye contact with her.

5.  Cesarean Section - a district in Rome.

6.  Colic - sheep dog.

7.  Coma - a punctuation mark.

8.  Congenital - friendly.

9.  Constipation - endangered feces.

10. Coronary - domesticated yellow bird.

11. Dilate - to live a long time.

12. Enema - opposite of a friend.

13. Fester - quicker.

14. Fibrillate - to tell a small lie.

15. Genital - Non-Jew.

  



16. G.I. Series - a baseball game between soldiers.

17. Grippe - suitcase.

18. Hangnail - coat hook.

19. Humerus - to tell us what we want to hear.

20. Intestine - currently taking an exam.

21. Morbid - a higher offer.

22. Nitrate - lower than the day rate.

23. Outpatient - a person who has fainted.

24. Ova - finished, done with.

25. Pap Smear - to slander your father.

26. Paradox - a pair of doctors.

27. Pelvis - the evil twin of Elvis.

28. Penis - someone who plays the piano.

29. Protein - in favor of young people.

30. Rectum - damn near killed him.

31. Sacrum - holy.

32. Secretion - hiding anything.

33. Seizure - Roman Emperor.

34. Serology - the study of English knighthood.

35. Sperm - to reject, look away from.

36. Tumor - an extra pair.

37. Urine - the opposite of you're out.

38. White Count - the number of Caucasians.

------------------------------Some Hospital Bloopers -----------------------------------------------

Actual excerpts from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down. 
13. While in ER , she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry. 
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.




NOW SOME SERIOUS MEDICAL NEWS





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