The observations of Steven Wright - comedian

I'd kill  for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't 
expect  it back.

Half the people you know are below  average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all  statistics are made up on 
the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all  your other
parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign  of a 
bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up 
with the  rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise 
my hand.

The  early bird may get the worm, but it's 
the second mouse that gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she 
left me before we met.

How do you tell when you're out of 
invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you've 
obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If everything comes your way, chances 
are you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough 
sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness  
pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy 
her friends?

Eagles may  soar, but weasels don't get sucked 
into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to 
death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your 
brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your  name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy 
all evidence that you  tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired 
of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just 
after  you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to 
the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; 
to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is 
no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll 
have to  catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your 
body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just  
don't have film.